can't sleep

I had a dream. I was in a club and while calling a taxi a mean looking hooker took the cash from my wallet. I was left walking the dark streets trying to find a taxi I could pay by credit card. I approached a group of university age kids who were heading home to the West Island. I decided to go with them figuring that the West Island is closer to home than wherever I was (funny how lately I’ve been dreaming that I’m going in a wrong direction). So we started walking through a forest. After a while the dream had us camping in the forest. I spotted a big black wolf with a monster-large head, a huge fleshy mouth and big fangs. It scared me and I hide in one of the tents, waking everybody up warning them that a wolf was near. It came towards the tent I was in and we all huddled in a corner, the one opposite it. As it paced around the tent slowly as a predator sure to catch its prey, we inside the tent moved away from it, always opposite it, contracted and aware and hoping the thin screen covering the tent was enough to shield us. Then I fell slightly behind. A long thin tongue slid out of its mouth to wrap itself around my right-hand pinky finger. Before pulling me towards it, Monic, and ex-colleague from Seville, in an effort to save me, took out two crisp bills that she started handling in the hopes of distracting our enemy. It worked. The end of the dream is a muddle. I woke up shortly after.

I received a call yesterday inviting me to a job interview for a promising position. I am honestly extremely excited about it.

A few months ago, Mireille drew my tarot cards. She concluded that I am in a period where many routes are open to me, and that I am confused about which one to take. I don’t remember much else about her reading. Besides, this element she felt particularly strongly. Then again, I was completely aware of this. When I was younger, I had a theory that when I did not know what to do, best do nothing. Now, I believe I should prefer to do anything. That is the direction I am going in: anything; as long as it is fulfilling and can help me achieve some other (which ever) greater good for my personal advancement. I am quite happy with this anything for it is better than nothing, yet at times I hear a ticking that I find bothersome. This ticking is telling me that I’m not getting any younger. It’s counting away my days and closing doors of opportunity. Wanting to stay wide open for everything, this ticking whispers in my ear that I can’t have it all, especially as I grow older. Who could be so eveil as to tick away in my ear like that?

I read an optimistic sentence the other day from Elizabeth Barrett Browning. “You are never to old to become who you were supposed to be.” (Or something like that.) This from a woman who spent most of her days secluded in a bedroom writing poetry. I wonder who Elizabeth Barrett Browning thought she was supposed to be. As for myself, I only have illusions, dreams I dare not admit here, that are usually halted by rationality. Some days, looking ahead, life seems much too short. Deceptively so.

I couldn’t fall back asleep after waking from the dream. My mind started busying itself with lists of things still needed for Christmas. Now it is 7 AM and the alarm clock just went off, which is the stereo, and it is playing Tchaikovsky’s Nutcracker. I've been awake since 4:30. This will surely be a tiring day.