the day before

Banishing reading had helped. Now I get home from work and if the supper is made, I have nothing else to do. I could go running, but daylight savings time has it pitch-dark outside by 4:40 PM and I hate running in the dark. Tonight, I was thinking of maybe renting a movie. I have also been thinking of working on that scarf I’ve been knitting for the past 3 years. But it seems, when I have nothing to do, I write. Three blogs in fours days, quite contrary to my tempo of these last months.

Tomorrow I start writing my novel. I asked Ben this evening if he thinks I’ll finish it. He answered that he doesn’t doubt that I will. To be completely honest, I doubt it. I know this isn’t the best disposition to start off on, but part of me feels like I am about to step off a ledge. I can see myself doing some fancy footwork, side-stepping the cliff, walking around in circles as I nudge my chin up to tentatively look over the side into the abyss. Like sky diving, some things I’ve always wanted to try but do not because I’m sure to pee my pants. So the fear and humiliation of walking around in a wet and humid seat for the next month has me doubting.

Actually no, just the plunge has me doubting. The plunge and the void. And maybe the landing too.